This is presumably an unrealistic advice to give a group of 27 young women from different countries on Friday 24th July, 2015 during a session of self-reflection at a leadership program in Ghana. But it is sound advice. Something I heed to date.
That day , I penned down what being a whole woman meant for me after a moment of soul searching and reflection. Later reading what I wrote down - a whole woman is a person who is comfortable with who she is and gives out her best no matter what, is honest with herself and loves unconditionally - a part of me agrees. The optimist and romantic in me agrees. But then there's reality.
How can I show up and give my best when I am still fighting to be comfortable in my own weird shoes? Maybe I should first learn the dynamics of contemporary womanhood? Deciphering what womanhood means is complicated. Even more so growing up in a patriarchal society such as ours.
The barriers as an African woman that I face while trying to find out what it means to be a woman; the cultural expectations, stereotypes, figuring out how to balance work, family and friends and still find time for myself. It gets tiring. And then there's the battle within, to know myself, my goals, my values, my passion and what fuels it.
The fact that the playing field is not level in our patriarchal society is infuriating, the ignorance of most men is heart wrenching and then society's frustrations threatens to bring out the "angry black woman". Another stereotype. It is okay to be angry. It is an emotion. It is also understandable since as women we face, struggle with and work hard to transcend the limits society sets for us.
Ignorant comments about body weight, saggy boobs, stretch marks and the vagina, make women feel self- conscious about our bodies. Women have to explain and educate men about our bodies, our needs and continued survival just to bridge the gap of male ignorance.
As a country we have accepted negative aspects of the patriarchal system as something unchangeable. We have a very poor attitude to issues affecting women like teenage pregnancy, child marriage, gender based violence; including intimate partner violence, female genital mutilation, rape, trafficking, sexual abuse. We must dispel certain notions including but not limited to the notion that there are “just” causes for gender based violence, the notion that men have the right to control their wives behavior and “discipline” them, blaming the victim for the violence received.
In Sierra Leone, the Multiple Indicator Cluster Survey 2016 shows that a higher percentage of women as compared to men think domestic violence is justifiable. 86.1% of the women between ages 15-49 have undergone any form of FGM. 36.1% of the women aged 20-49 were married before age 18. https://www.statistics.sl/images/StatisticsSL/Documents/sierra_leone_mics6_2017_report.pdf
I see myself as a feminist. Sometimes though, I ponder about what makes me a feminist especially since I sometimes feel I'm a hypocrite. Impostor syndrome hits hard. Should I alienate my values, views, choices? Can I be a feminist and still be a huge fan of Eminem, .a huge fan of rap music? Or do I just fall on my volunteer work with women activist groups to make a difference in the lives of girls & women.
To embody the "whole woman" ” concept, I have learnt to value my safe space where I'm learning to be comfortable in my skin, be vulnerable, practice self care, build relationships and be honest. Yes, I have my dark moments but I'm happy for my support system. I am owning every word used to describe me; Tomboy? Hell yeah! Feminist? Of course! Boss? Yes I am! Thick? Yes! Whole Woman? Yes!
Dear woman, being a whole woman does not mean you are void of flaws, or have it all figured out. Who does? We are all just figuring life out in our own unique way.
Let me end with my favorite quote about being a whole woman by Maame Afon Yelbert-Obeng, “As a whole woman you bring all of who you are into everything you do”.
Davephine Tholley is a young vibrant Sierra Leonean, Civil Engineer with the relentless drive to effect change, willingness to lead and commitment to serve.